Lust Explosion: Keep Away From Children & Malfoys
by Jadeaffection
Summary: If George and Hermione could just spend less time arguing they could perhaps finish this sometime this century. And maybe Cedric wouldn't have to smother himself to death. Het, Slash, Love-potion-made-them-do-it, Language, Innuendo, Cedric's POV.


'For the last time, you moron, they should go here. It makes so much more sense to put them between the Extendable Ears and the Reusable Hangmen. You have no perception of symmetry, do you?'

'Listen here Princess, did I miss the meeting where you were added as a manager or owner? Didn't think so! So if I say we should put them next to the quills then that's where they're going.'

It was half past three in the morning and all those stupid enough to get roped into it were doing the yearly stock take/redesign/mini-apocalypse at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. It was taking forever, as usual.

And it was being done to the soundtrack of George and Hermione fighting. As _usual_.

Verity, Harry, Ginny, Ron, Luna and Neville ignored them as best they could. There was no stopping them when they got started, no mediating and you defiantly couldn't convince them to work apart, each convinced the other was incompetent.

Draco however, because being BFF's with Hermione gave him protection from canaries, followed each one of their back-and-forths with his own witty remarks about UST. They were crude, horribly sarcastic and interspersed with exclamations of pain when Fred would elbow, pinch or kick his boyfriend.

In Fred's opinion, there were certain things he didn't want to associate with his twin brother.

Sex with Hermione being one of them.

'Do you think if they just shagged the arguing would stop? Or would it just change the topic? 'Cause I don't think I can handle hearing my best friend and your clone squabble about who has to sleep in the wet spooOWWW.'

'If you do not shut up, I swear to Merlin, the only wet spot you'll be sleeping in for a month will be where the dog drooled on the couch.'

Cedric just rolled his eyes, shook his head, put his headphones on, turned up his walkman and focused on stacking the Skiving Snackboxes. The sooner they got this done, the sooner he could get _away_ from these lunatics and back to Oliver and the cat.

Although he _had_ allowed Ollie to name the feline "Snitch", so maybe the crazy was everywhere and contagious.

* * *

><p>'Oi, Malfoy. Be careful with those! That stuff is super powerful.'<p>

The shouted reprimand from Ron was all the warning they had before there was a shattering sound and muffled curse from the next aisle over.

George and Hermione had but a second to make "Oh Shit" eyes at each other before half the store was enveloped in a thick aromatic purple cloud of smoke.

It was like being slapped in the face with a lilac-coloured stick of liquorice wrapped in lavender. Chaos and confusion ensued.

When the haze cleared everyone moved to the main area to look questioningly at each other. Most of the occupants of the shop seemed to be in a bemused daze.

'Ok, firstly, what the _hell_ did you drop', Cedric demanded. He had come back from the storeroom at the commotion, was unaffected and was, in his opinion, the only sane one, possibly in the world, and therefore self-appointed idiot coordinator. 'And, secondly, hands up who got hit by it.'

Eight hands were raised bashfully in the air, as Draco, one of the hand-raisers, mumbled something incoherent while absently groping Fred's arse with his other hand.

Fred, who had not been in the gas' path and was normally all for public displays of affection, jumped about a meter in the air while slapping Draco's hand away. He then whispered something to Malfoy that the others thought sounded like "may two toes moo my back".

Cedric, who was smarter than your average Weasley, had managed to translate that and was looking adequately disturbed. However, that didn't mean he was any less determined to get to the bottom of this. Pun _not_ intended.

'What was that smoke Malfoy?'

But it now seemed impossible to get an answer from the former Slytherin as he had his head buried in Fred's neck, licking stripes across his collarbone.

Now, this in itself was not a horribly unusual occurrence, the pair were both attention-seeking whores in their own twisted ways.

Nor was the sight of Harry and Ginny entwined. The newly engaged couple had been getting into the "honeymoon" mood early and regularly. It was a little sickening really.

Luna making bedroom-eyes and grabby hands at Neville, who had been with Cedric and was looking at the waiflike blonde with a perturbed stare, was a little strange. Cedric, and Neville apparently, hadn't been aware that the two's relationship had passed beyond subtle flirting and longing glances.

As for Ron and Verity trying to tie a knot in each other's stomachs with their tongues, well, that was both horrifying and confusing. Cedric wasn't sure what Lavender would have to say about Ron's actions, and, an hour ago, he would have bet good money that Verity swung the other way.

But the most traumatic and alarming of all, and possibly an omen preceding the end of the world, was the fact that Hermione and George seemed to be struggling internally to keep their hands off each other.

Cedric wasn't paid enough for this shit. Hell, he wasn't paid _at all_. He really should have learned by now that doing things for others "out of the goodness of your heart" was something only suckers did. It always ended in tears.

The next time Oliver fobbed off doing something with their friends because of Quidditch practice, Cedric was going to beat him around the head with his own broom. He was sick of suffering alone.

* * *

><p>Fred had become a lost cause the minute Draco had found that sensitive spot on this throat. The two of them had retreated to a dark corner and, for that, Cedric was glad.<p>

Neville wasn't going to be any help either. Ever the gentleman he refused to accept the increasingly more determined Luna's advances, stating that "it just wouldn't be right to take advantage of her when she's like this y'know". Cedric respected his restraint and left Neville to fight off the surprisingly strong girl.

Making his way to the aisle where it all started, looking like a stunningly cheeked-boned Sherlock Holmes, Cedric avoided looking at the _amorous_ couples. Especially George and Hermione who had progressed to playing footsie under the trolley they had wedged between themselves in an effort to stay apart; it looked to be physically paining them that they weren't all over each other. It was several flavours of _wrong_ and Cedric couldn't afford the therapy.

Reaching the scene of the crime, Cedric knelt down to survey the broken bottle and remnants of potion. He was incredibly careful not to get too close, there was no way he wanted onboard this particular crazy train. At least not without Ollie present.

The bottle was a vomit inducing shade of fuchsia with violently purple lettering in a flowery font. Looking around he was surprised to note that there didn't seem to be any matching bottles in this aisle. Luckily though, Cedric could just make out some of the label.

..st Ex..os..n!

Well, that confirmed his suspicions.

Making for the office where they kept all the counter curses, Cedric sidestepped around Hermione and George who had succumbed and were now passionately and _uncomfortably_ piled up in the trolley and… Cedric _really_ didn't need to see that.

Flipping quickly through the folder, he found the right page, memorized the spell and modified it to include the whole shop. The madness had to end.

Exiting the office, he had to step over Ron and Verity. Eww, they were going to need disinfectant for the floor.

He began the chant and mentally cursed the twins for making it sound so _stupid_. If he never had to say the words "throbbing loins" again it would be too soon. As he finished the rhyme, the result was almost instantaneous.

Ron practically flew away from Verity as though she was on fire. Verity, however, looked like she had just finished sucking on a lemon.

Ginny tried to adjust her clothes to maintain her modesty while Harry grinned sheepishly.

Neville was able, finally, to remove his hand from Luna's forehead where he was holding her off. And Luna managed to only look slightly more spaced out that usual.

Cedric couldn't help his relieved smile when he heard hysterical laughter emanating from the corner where Draco had dragged Fred earlier. At least _someone_ had had fun.

Now that he knew the charm had been lifted Cedric was almost desperate to get back to George and Hermione. The embarrassment must have been killing them. He wished he had a camera.

Rushing around the corner, he was stopped dead at the scene in front of him. Why for the love of all that is good in the world were they _still_ making out like teenagers?

If it weren't for the fact that Oliver was so fond of his eyes, he may have had to claw them out.

Suddenly Cedric was surrounded by the rest of the gang and, if the slack-jawed stares were anything to go by, they were all as shocked as he was. Well, _almost_ all of them.

Draco was wearing his smug shit-eating grin and he had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

Oh, now Cedric saw how it was. Why Draco was carrying that bottle, in an aisle that it didn't belong in, that just happened to be one over from where George and Hermione were arguing. That sneaky little bastard.

Cedric was going to kill him and _then_ make him pay for the psychiatrist.

Just as he was about to launch himself at the pointy featured cretin's neck, his friendship with Fred be damned, Cedric saw the couple at the focus of everyone's attention pull apart. Presumably for air, as it was bordering on brain damage territory.

And the sappy smile on Hermione's face was blinding. George's was just as bad. They _actually_ had it bad for each other.

Damn. Malfoy was going to be impossible to be around now.

It was then that everyone decided, by silent consensus, to leave the lovebirds alone and begin to disperse. Cedric, declaring them done for the night, left George to lock up and began to shuffle the leftovers to the door after Fred and Draco disappeared to the flat they shared above the shop. At least they were out of sight before the moans started.

Shrugging his coat on, Cedric said his goodbyes and watched as the others began their journeys home.

Harry and Ginny Apparated away, held tight in each other's arms. Ron vanished in a similar fashion, muttering about how Lavender was going to kill him. Verity was walking away with a look on her face that suggested the possibility of PTSD. He was almost tempted to go after her and make sure she was ok; those shudders _combined_ with the twitching did not bode well. But then she too disappeared into the night.

Neville had offered Luna his arm, which she accepted with a vacant-yet-sweet smile, and the two were walking to where their brooms were stored. Cedric will deny forever that he had grinned at the cuteness.

When they were almost out of sight, Neville glanced back over his shoulder and threw a mock salute at Cedric, which the former Hufflepuff returned.

Their eyes met as equals, as fellow veterans, as those that had glimpsed the horror of Ron's kissy face. They had faced the terror of the past hour and lived. Witnessed the dawn of Geormione together. They would forever be brothers in arms.

As Cedric Apparated from Diagon Alley, arriving at the base of the stairs in the house he shared with the Puddlemere star Keeper, he couldn't help the weary sigh that fell from his lips. It had only just begun.

Not that he wasn't happy that his friends had fallen for each other, he was, it was just that Ollie had always been in the same George/Hermione boat as Draco. It was a damn conspiracy.

Stomping around and making as much noise as possible to awaken his slumbering partner, Cedric moved up the stairs. Snitch wound herself around his legs, meowing plaintively. He picked her up with elaborate plans to place her on Ollie's head.

If he was going to put up with the "I told you so"s then Oliver was going to _damn well_ make him a cup of tea first.


End file.
